You are watching: My boyfriend lied to me about his past
At the beginning of our connection we common our dating histories. He is 55 and I am 48. His background of never being married was a tiny worrisome to me because I wondered if he was a commitment-phobic person. He has actually been entirely attentive and also committed to me, so that doesn’t seem to be his difficulty. What is disturbing to me is that over the previous few years I have actually learned that he lied to me around his dating history. He told me initially that he had actually never before dated anyone beyond six months, however then I learned that he had actually dated one woman for ten years and an additional for 2. He told me about a month-lengthy trip to China that he took via a group and his daughter, when his daughter was a teenager. Later I learned that he took a girlfriend through them, too. That was after he had actually told me months prior to that it was simply he and his daughter on the expedition.
We never fight, however, on the 2 occasions once I faced him about the lies, he got angry via me and stormed out of my residence. Then he texted me from his vehicle, stating that he was done with me. Later he returned to tell me he was sorry for behaving actually very immaturely and also that he had actually over-reacted.
He is still friendly through his daughter’s mom, and also annually his family gathers for Christmas and she is invited. I was invited the first year we dated, and the ex attended. It was uncomfortable for me bereason his daughter is now 26 and her mommy has actually been remarried for 15 years!! When I told him it was uncomfortable for me, he sassist that he understood and also that she (the ex) have to not be consisted of, yet that it has actually just come to be heritage. The adhering to year, he invited me and told me that the ex was coming. I said that I was uncomfortable because I believe that, by this point in our connection, she have to not be included in such intimate household gatherings. (The gathering takes area at his house). I did not give him an ultimatum but shelp that I simply did not feel comfortable via it and chosen not to attfinish. He sassist “ok.” After a couple of days, he determined to dis-invite her, however he used a lame excusage that had nopoint to do through the actual reason. Why can he not just tell her that it is no much longer correct for her to be contained – she is lengthy married to someone else and I am his major girlfriend? Her husband also never before concerns these points, and also I believe he most likely is uncomfortable around them, as well.
I feel incredibly torn. On one hand also, this man is incredibly attentive, loving, and committed to me. We acquire along beautifully. On the other hand also, I feel choose I am one in a long, long, LONG string of girlfriends. He assures me that I am “the one” and he believes we can be married “one day.” I wonder if I am being strung along and also will certainly fall to the wayside choose 50+ woguys prior to me, or if he is sincere about marrying me.
Thoughts? — One in a Long String of Girlfriends
I feel extremely torn, too. On one hand, I’m baffled around why your 55-year-old boyfriend would certainly lie and also tell you he’d never had actually a relationship much longer than 6 months when, in truth, he’d had a couple permanent relationships. On the various other hand, I’m baffled about why you are totally flipping the eff out over the reality that at 55 he’s had actually 2 serious relationships and also that he took a girlfrifinish on vacation through him when. How does that equate to you being simply another woguy in a “long, long, LONG string of girlfriends” or you “being strung along
You say your boyfrifinish is “extremely attentive, loving, and also committed to you”? Then chill out. You’re going to lose this guy if you proceed behaving actually choose a jealous teenage girl. So, he’s had a pair of girlfriends before you. HE’S fifty-fucking-5 years-old. Yes, it’s bizarre that he lied about it, however probably he had a sneaking suspicion you’d freak out about thinking of him through another woguy besides you. After all, look at how you’re behaving actually around his preserving a civil partnership via his ex-girlfriend. They have a daughter together. How nice for her that, when a year, her parents have the right to put aside whatever differences they had in their relationship and also celebrate the holidays through her, together, under one roof, in addition to various other household and friends. All kids of divorce/separated paleas, grvery own or not, should be so lucky. This is a lovely gift that they’ve been able to give their daughter, and also you are out of line to attempt to sabotage it. As you shelp, the ex-wife has actually been married for 15 years. Your boyfriend invites her to his Christmas gathering for his daughter’s advantage. It’s one occasion a year the daughter gets to have actually her entirety family members together, and why must she have to give that up because her father’s 48-year-old girlfriend can’t handle the idea of her boyfriend having actually previous relationships?
I think all of this boils down to the last few words of your letter: “(I wonder if) he is sincere around marrying me.” You feel unspecific or insecure about your future together, and also you’re projecting that indefense onto all these petty things. This isn’t really about your boyfrifinish continuing to be civil via an ex or withholding the fact that he took a former girlfrifinish on vacation with him to China over a decade back. This is around whether or not there’s a future for the two of you. You should feel choose you’re on the same page. Cautilizing a large fuss over whom your boyfrifinish invites to his household Christmas party this year isn’t going to gain you the clarity you need. Obsessing over his past relationships isn’t going to acquire you the clarity you require. The just point that will provide you the clarity you desire around the state of your union, current and future, is to sit down and also talk around it via your boyfriend. So carry out that. Ask him if he’s sincere around marrying you and also, if so, as soon as. Ask him why he’s lied to you about previous relationships. Ask him why he feels he can’t be hoswarm and also what YOU deserve to do to make him feel even more comfortable opening as much as you.
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RedroverRedroverOctober 22, 2014, 8:31 am
FireStarOctober 22, 2014, 8:50 am
Unbelievable. She says the new husband also probably feels uncomfortable as well so he continues to be ameans. Why not take a page out of his book? He doesn’t attempt to ruin a family legacy also though he is married to the woman going to her ex-boyfriend’s house…yet the new girl frifinish does? If you are so uncomfortable then go perform something else. Your behaviour is simply selfish… and short-sighted.And I hate to break it to you yet you had actually no real troubles – lying about a girlfrifinish coming on a trip years prior to he also kbrand-new you? that cares? But congratulations bereason if it’s difficulties you wanted you have actually some now because there is no means the daughter is liking the likes of you after you excluded her mom from the family members tradition that has gone on happily this totality time…so excellent luck trying to convince her dad to marry you “one day”.
Raccoon eyesOctober 22, 2014, 8:36 am
Wendy is ideal (per usual) that the issue is really your insecurity around your future via your boyfriend. Which is fed by your insecurity around his previous. Realistically, HE HAS A PAST. It would certainly be difficult for him to be the “attentive, loving, and also committed” boyfrifinish you say he is if he had actually NO relationship experience. Is it f*cking weird he lies to you about his previous relationships? Totally. Can you address that?*Also, if on 2 separate occasions he stormed out of your home after being confronted via his conflicting stories, I dont really think this qualifies as “
ktfranOctober 22, 2014, 9:10 am
So yeah, LW, the means you composed this letter, it seems you’re concentrating on the reality that he had actually previous relationships. Not that he lied to you around them. I would be involved with the later on, not the former. Why did he lie? Is it bereason he rightfully identified you are jealous or insecure? Or is he just a tall tale teller? Maybe it’s a tiny bit of both. I think you need to have a calm, rational discussion and also number that out prior to you proceed through the partnership..Also, wtf. The guy is damned if he does and also damned if he doesn’t. You were came to around a 55 year old never being married. Then you were involved that he had a pair permanent girlfriends? The 10-year partnership was probably pretty darn close to a marriage, just without the signed papers. I expect, he CAN’T win with you..My last thought, I’m so exhausted of hearing around human being and also their insecurities with past relationships. Especially when tright here are kids. I think it speaks VOLUMES about the character of the people involved if they’re able to reprimary civil. Grow the eff up currently.
somepoint randomOctober 22, 2014, 8:46 am
I recognize letter writer is going to take many crap for the christmas thing. And it’s good that she didn’t demand boyfrifinish soptimal the invites however quite made her feelings clear and chose not to attfinish. But I have to agree via Wendy that many people wouldn’t have such a solid reactivity to the “appropriateness” of the case. There is objectively nothing inappropriate around it. The inprotection really is puzzling.
One point I’m not clear on is if he just stood for himself as a blank slate once you men were first getting to understand each other or if he has actually continued to make bit lies throughout the connection. Letter writer claims she “discovered out” around a ten year relationship and also a girlfrifinish who checked out China. Does this mean the boyfriend told her later on dvery own the line? Or that possibly she picked it up from noticeable reminders such as photographs and chit chat via the kids? If this is the case, it would certainly seem he simply didn’t feel comfortable acquiring into his dating background at an early stage. Maybe he never desires to acquire into it. How a lot does it really matter?
I carry out think his reactivity to the “confrontation” is a significant red flag, though. Maybe he has some skeletons and also he’s willing to gaslight around them. Clearly on the letter writer believes being able to stop openly and also honestly about the first four years of their stays is important. She’s of the background repeats itself camp. I think Wendy was spot as usual in her advice. Hopetotally the letter writer will certainly listen.
“Why can he not just tell her that it is no much longer proper for her to be consisted of – she is lengthy married to someone else and also I am his severe girlfriend?”
Letter writer, this statement is also a red flag yet for you boyfrifinish. You clearly didn’t hear or respect HIS feelings on this concern any more than he heard yours. The difference is yours was based on discomfort through his innocuous holiday heritages through loved ones. While it was fine to make your feelings clear and also decide not to attfinish, it was additionally unflattering jealous and unsupportive. It would have been healthier if your boyfrifinish had actually liked to continue is tradition without you and also left you to research your discomfort. Unfortunately, he determined to accommoday you and also this somejust how made you feel validated in disgranting of a charming family legacy. It’s okay to feel uncomfortable and also take time to study it. Your quote argues you were WAY over invested in him completely severing his partnership through his child’s mom whom he has actually known for at leastern damn close to thirty years. This is a managing intention and you need to be conscious others would certainly perceive it as a Major red flag.
Just to clarify I’m not offering you a pass.
OMG LW, chill out. The Christmas thing is WONDERFUL! Honestly, the daughter is so lucky and also the ex is not looking to get ago together. Someday, tbelow can be grandyoungsters and there will certainly be holidays, birthdays, spiritual milestones. For you to come in and ask for this to end is so cruel. The principle that a pair can put the past behind them and say, “We don’t love each various other anymore but we both love our daughter” is so great to show that a family might not be together however they still obtain along. I have a friend that had a child with a male and also they damaged up prior to the baby was born. Eincredibly year, they take a family picture on their son’s birthday through simply Mom, Dad, and also him. They have given that moved on to various other relationships and have actually other kids yet they both show that he is loved by both of them sepaprice from the two new family systems. It is the sweetest, a lot of mature thing to execute. Please, please tell your boyfriend that you made a mistake and don’t ruin Christmas.
First, simply to gain it out of the method, is your boyfrifinish a pathological liar? I’ve known a few.
If not, then I have a hunch that, beforehand in the connection, you freaked out around somepoint he shelp to you, and also given that then he’s been mindful about just how a lot information he offers you. I did somepoint similar early on with my husband once he told me he provided to be a “bad boy.” If you’re not open to hearing particular things and also have displayed that you’ll flip out, a male is most likely going to stop informing you the totality reality. Lying around having a 10year partnership IS bizarre, yet think back… Might you have provided him a reason to desire to cover things up?
The trip thing – that’s not a large deal in my book. When you’re obtaining to recognize someone, I think it’s pretty normal to talk around vacations and also such and gloss over that precisely was with you on the pilgrimage. You discover out later it was the girlfriend, but that cares? Of course it was.
I had actually some sympathy for you at initially, till you made him disinvite his daughter’s mother to Christmas, and ruining the one normal legacy she has via her family. Your jealousy is just destroying every little thing.
I honestly can’t think of a reason why a 48 year old womales with two teens from a previous connection could not understand exactly how vital that should be to the daughter, and her boyfriend in that situation.
The LW’s jealousy was more than likely apparent to this man beforehand and being 55 his avenues for sex and companionship love were sporadic. Therefor he withhosted his history out of fear. Best outcome is to reduced him loose to uncover someone that isn’t a nut situation. They don’t trust each various other and never will.
From the LW:
I love your response and I review the response of others. I was unable to post to the others so probably this response will certainly make its way to the respondents.
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Sadly, I did not make myself clear around the Christmas event. I love that the ex and my boyfriend have actually an excellent relationship. In fact, I invited her to his birthday party that I had for him at my house. I was upset because if given the choice between me and her he chose her and sassist that to me. I don’t feel tbelow need to be a choice and, if so, at what allude carry out I come to be the initially choice?
As for lying to me about his previous, he flat out lied to me and tbelow need to have been no factor. On our second day, he asked me about my dating history and I offered him an overview. I asked him about his. Tbelow was no judgement or better discussion after he mutual via me, what turned out to be a pack of lies. As we relocated via the partnership, I uncovered that he had actually lied about his history. On our initially date, he told me he was divorced, however I later learned he had never been married. He told me originally that he just dated his daughter’s mommy for 5 months. In reality they “sorta kinda lived together” for “six or so years.” That is a BIG distinction. He told me he and his daughter took the expedition to China and also no one else was via him, but I later on learned about a girlfriend of two years having actually gone with them. I am not jealous, at all, and I intend a male of 55, never been married, to have actually had actually relationships. I question why he lied to me. I have caught him in so many type of lies around other woguys that it does offer me pause. Why the lies?
I took your advice and asked him straight ameans. He told me that he lied because he was embarrassed by his “sketchy” dating past, mostly that he did not want me to think he was a player. Apparently, it has led to difficulties for him in the previous, so he decided to lie to me based on that and also nopoint I have ever sassist. I told him that it is the lies that bvarious other me and not his past. Since he lied, and I did not know why, it made me feel as though he was playing me. He said he wants to marry me, however he was no committal regarding once.
Wendy, my boyfrifinish has actually been looking for the perfect mate his entirety life, but never found the perfect one bereason no one is perfect. Each woguy he has actually been severe with has actually had potential for a LTR, yet as soon as push concerned shove, his require for solitude and freedom were so strong that he had the ability to uncover fault with the woguy and he bailed. So this sort of previous makes me feel extremely nervous about a future through him. At what point am I no much longer “perfect?”
Oy, this is a mess. The lies are damaging, yes. What’s up through that? That’s sketchy. But you’re all ove board*Why did you provide him the “choice between me and her” – there is no alternative, you feel that there shouldn’t be a choice, but you’re asking him to make a choice? What are you 9? He’s not with her, he’s via you.*I’m not sure what advice you’re seeking. The lies seem shady. Your worry through the ex being invited to occasions through the daughter appears shady. That his previous provides you feel exceptionally nervous about a future through the boyfriend seems… misplaced. I’d think the lies would execute it yet ok.*What was the question?*I have actually a male coming to visit me in ONE WEEK. A MAN. A SINGLE MAN. WHO IS CUTE. AND NICE. AND HE IS COMING TO SEE MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. (Sorry, I didn’t recognize where to put that.)
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