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The Click

How did it feel to be addicted to Ambien?

Everypoint was suddenly awful and horrible for no discernable factor. It felt favor fingernails were tearing my hair out by the roots. Like boiling hot water was being poured on my heart and also lungs. It felt favor air being compelled right into my head via a balloon pump till my eyes felt choose they were about to burst from their sockets.

And then, after I put my children to sleep, once I was ultimately able to take an Ambien (or three) came the sweet, sweet release I lovingly described as the click.

After the click, there was warmth velvet coursing through my veins into my chest, filling my heart through music. Muted Bach arias. After the click, tbelow was a deflation of my head and a softening behind my eyes. After the click, I felt safe again, and also I was filled through an overwhelming feeling of love, which sometimes made me weep via relief.


My OBGYN prescribed me Ambien for the initially time after my youngest son was born, simply one year after his brvarious other. I told him that I was unable to fall asleep until 3 or 4 a.m. eextremely day, and then gaining up via my babies aacquire at five or 6. I told him that I felt like I was losing my mind, but I didn’t desire to be dependent on anypoint to get to sleep. He sold me Ambien as a safe, mild, non-narcotic sleep assist. He shelp I might take it every night if I wanted, however after a couple of weeks, I most likely wouldn’t require it anymore.

That first night, I got some really great sleep for the initially time in years and had some beautiful dreams—choose someone had actually rubbed Vaseline on the lens of my dream-camera. Everypoint felt soft once I opened my eyes the next morning, prefer all of my edges had actually been smoothed out.

Everypoint felt soft when I opened my eyes the following morning, favor every one of my edges had been smoothed out.

I marveled at the miracle of scientific research that gave me the power to fall asleep so easily now and also awaken without grogginess, a hangover, or hazard of dependency. But after about a week, I felt so a lot better, I simply decided to speak taking it.

Seventeen nights later on, but, I uncovered myself staring at my ceiling at two in the morning counting the hrs till I had actually to wake up. If I loss asleep right currently, I’ll get five and also a half hrs of sleep, I thought. Waiting another half hour before slipping out of bed, I tiptoed to the bathroom medicine cabinet.

What felt choose moments later on, I woke up through a begin. The sun was streaming in with the drapes and also my boy Miles was lying in bed next to me, patting my cheek gently via his little bit hand also.

“Mommy, Daddy sassist you’re oversleeping!”


I looked over at the bedside clock and my heart revved-up like an engine.


I ransacked my memory for what occurred the night prior to. I remembered acquiring up and going to the medication cabinet, yet I couldn’t remember anypoint else.

My husband eyed me warily once I arrived downstairs after a quick shower. “How many kind of of those pills did you take last night? I couldn’t wake you up this morning.” 

Those pills…

Those Pills

After that night, I remained ameans from Ambien for a while. When I did take it, I constantly did so carefully, normally breaking the slim, smooth, white oval in fifty percent, making certain it was early on sufficient in the evening so that it wouldn’t interfere with me waking up the next morning.

But the complying with year, as my boys seemed to gain more and even more energetic and also my husband was working out of town more frequently, I began to take even more Ambien. Three or 4 times a week for a year or so.

Then suddenly, or at leastern it appeared choose it was suddenly, three years after taking that initially Ambien, it came to be a nightly occasion for me.

One night in the time of year four PFA (post-initially Ambien), I opened up my medicine cabinet after brushing my teeth and also found my pill bottle empty. I peered inside, aware that my hands were start to shake and also my heartbeat was increasing.

Is someone else is taking my Ambien?

But then a memory surfaced, struggling to me through a thick haze. No, this has actually happened before.

One time, 2 days after gaining a refill, I woke in the middle of the night to take a half an Ambien and uncovered that the bottle was low. The next day, I discovered six Ambien mysteriously covert in an Advil bottle. Buoyed by this revelation, I began to search methodically with every one of the bottles in my medicine cabinet. First carefully and also quietly, then via abandon, pulling them all out onto the counter with a clast and also then opening eextremely single one, shaking it initially and then peering inside.

Then suddenly, or at leastern it seemed prefer it was suddenly, 3 years after taking that first Ambien, it came to be a nightly occasion for me.

Just as I was around to sink to the cool, marble floor in anguish, I captured sight of a bottle-lid behind a roll of gauze.

How did I miss out on that?

Biting my lower lip hopecompletely, I got hold of the bottle and also opened up it. As quickly as I peered inside, I saw three Ambien tablets nestled among the larger, yellow oblong pills that belonged tright here. Relief was a heat blanket spreading over my cold shoulders.

And then, without reasoning, I popped 2 of them in my mouth and also swallowed them dry.

The Monster

I have no explanation for why I took two. I had actually never before done that prior to. And I didn’t feel the click until I acquired in bed a couple of minutes later on.

It was sort of favor that first time I took it years before as soon as every little thing obtained soft and dreamy, yet this time was different. This time tbelow was liquid lavender flooding into my throat and skull, too, turning my limbs right into satin. This time tbelow was a lightness of being that I’d never before skilled.

I distinctly remember lying down conveniently and also smiling. I wanted to reap the feeling filled up and melted dvery own all at the very same time. My last conscious assumed that night was, “if I take three does the click obtain bigger?”

Throughout the following few months, I noticed that the Ambien alone wasn’t producing the desired click, so I started to experiment. I uncovered that Benadryl worked by accident as soon as I was enduring my hay fever before sooner or later.


The Benadryl/Ambien click was different, sharper, instant. But I didn’t have to take even more Ambien in the time of the night, as had become my brand-new custom. Less Ambien was excellent because I needed to conserve them.

I was running out of medical professionals to prescribe it to me.

One long swpermit of vodka after my Ambien and my head swelled via a pleasant, far away buzzing.

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One day, my fourth psychiatrist (the two before her refsupplied to prescribe it for me anymore) told me that she wanted to see around placing me into a sleep examine as I seemed to be occurring a dependence on Ambien–she wanted me to begin weaning off of it.

Developing a dependence? Oh, Sister, if you just knew…

That night, in a frantic effort to acquire to sleep and snuff out the anxiety that accompanied the thought of weaning, I discovered the combination of vodka and Ambien. One long swallow of vodka after my Ambien and my head swelled through a pleasant, far ameans buzzing. Anvarious other sip and also my knees buckled, forcing me to lie dvery own. Ambien and vodka created a click that blew the previous clicks out of the water. The Ambien/vodka click was the mommy of all clicks. It was the click that ate Tokyo.